Staff
Chris Moon
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Chris Moon has been gaining popularity with the Fake News Media ever since his own Spartan Weekly colleagues falsely outed him as Henry Kissinger’s bastard son. He might seem relatively new to the media scene, but he is actually an experienced media veteran. You might be wondering to yourself, “Self, where have I seen this handsome, dashing man before?” The answer lies in popular culture.
Chris Moon is the quite literally a victim of his own name. At the ripe age of 19, his house was broken into by thugs who mistook him for another, richer Chris Moon, whose wife owed money all over town. The thugs beat him and threatened him, before stealing some of his belongings and urinating on his rug.
In an attempt to get the rug and other possessions back, he played a Russian mobster in a high stakes, underground poker game for $30,000, losing with a full house to a better full house and subsequently going broke. He and his friend Worm spent the next 5 days playing in marathon sessions of poker around New York City, attempting to earn enough money to bail them out of debt.
The plot thickened, however, when two magical unicorns awoke Chris from a slumber in a meadow. The unicorns took Chris through a magical forest on their way to Candy Mountain. Along the journey, the trio met a Liopleurodon, an aquatic descendant of the dinosaurs. The Liopleurodon tells them the way to Candy Mountain. Feeling cynical about the Liopleurodon’s qualifications as a tour guide, Chris was shunned for being a non-believer. The Candy Mountain Debacle turns out to be a ploy intended to trap Chris and steal his kidney.Broke, tired, and kidney-less, Chris continues on his journey. With no car or other mode of transportation, he figures the best thing to do is to run – so much so that he crosses America several times. Along the way, he helps many people; some want his help designing smiley-face t-shirts, some need help selling bumper stickers, others just want to follow his path. When he was tired, he slept; when he was hungry, he ate…but eventually, he just missed his long lost childhood girlfriend, Jenny, too much. So, one fateful day, he stopped, much to the dismay of his followers, who were left alone in the desert with nowhere to go but home.
By now, you yourself might begin to recognize Chris Moon for the glorious American hero he is, but you can’t pinpoint where you know him from. Well, friend, chances are you saw the Barack Obama “Hope” campaign ads from the 2008 elections. The Barack Obama ads helped spread a message of change and hope to America, and were a major impact on the election. They were, in fact, pirated from Chris Moon’s “Dope” picture without reimbursement. By the transitive property theorem, it was Chris Moon himself who elected Barack Obama as the 44th president. Check the math for yourself.
If you’d like to compliment him on how awesome he is, or thank him for his service to America, Chris Moon can be reached at spartanweeklysports@gmail.com