Sports
Student Section Unsuccessfully Summons Satan
By Ben Kuehn
DANTE'S INFERNO - Normally a bastion of traditional chants and insults hurled from the deepest bowls of inebriation, Michigan State University's Student Section summoned He the Prince of Darkness last Saturday in a lackluster attempt to turn the football game in MSU's favor.
“We thought, 'All we do here is cheer for the team, but what does that really do?'. We wanted to be more involved, to show more spirit,” stated the event's organizer, Humanities sophomore John McFarro.
The spectacle began late in the fourth quarter when the entire student section began chanting in tongues while offering a virgin Computer Sciences freshman as a sacrifice. When bystanders were questioned about there apparent lack of concern, 17% believed the section had simply “blacked out”, while 35% thought the students had “ingested the brown acid.” The majority of witnesses believed the students were simply exhibiting “ an exceptional level of support for the team.”
When the Beast, Angel of Mourning and Darkness, finally rose from the Pit amidst the howls of a thousand deloused hippies, he was reportedly groggy, unresponsive.
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Political Science senior and Magus of the Third Realm Rick Buil explains, “He seemed listless. Sure, he ate the sacrifice as was proper etiquette, but he seemed disinterested. We tried to have him strike down the other team with their self-doubts given corporeal form, but the Dark One just fell off a bleacher and killed a transfer student. Something seemed off.”
After the embarrassing stunt, Satan reportedly mumbled an apology, handed out coupons for Olive Garden, and left in a flash of smoke and whimpering.
“I think it showed the level of excellence we nurture here at MSU. It's not their fault Lucifer was having an off day,” commented MSU's Board of Trustees President Lou Anna K. Simon.
Many believed that The Demon, a CMU graduate, had purposefully sabotaged the Student Section's efforts. Hell spokesperson Joseph Goebbels addressed such rumors in a statement the following day:
“Bulzebub had been in intense negotiations with [Lions Head Coach] Jim Schwartz earlier that day and had been caught unprepared by the students' request. If they had been courteous enough to send a damned soul in advance, the situation would have never occurred. The incident in no way reflects the level of quality we here at Hell hope to provide with this year's oncoming swine/seasonal flu outbreak.”