Features
Thanksgiving Trailer Reviews
Some films you can enjoy when you are trying to avoid having to interact with your family
By Elise Yoon, Expert Trailer Reviewerer
2012
This trailer gets 14 out of 2012 stars for effort
First of all, they say “mankind’s earliest civilization warned us” and then show like a Mayan temple or something when everyone knows that mankind’s earliest civilization was the Sumerians DURRR. Then some eclipse or news reporter causes all sorts of crazy shit to happen like the world is basically exploding and fireballs are falling from the sky and every single international landmark that has any sort of emotional attachment to it crumbles apart and kills innocent people. EVEN THE POPE. So you know your hedonistic ass ain’t safe now. Seriously, guys, fireballs don’t stop for anyone. Then someone in Washington takes a page from the BIBLE and decides to build a giant boat and put a bunch of pretty people and animals on it to carry on with life or something. Basically this movie is going to be a bunch of families and couples holding each other while in the background there are slow motion explosions and disasters.
Old Dogs
This trailer is a lot of hits to the balls and face
Looks like John Travolta is really broke this time. And he’s teamed up with Robin Williams, or “Dan”, who is “not good with kids” but discovers he has some. LOL. Then the kids ruin his life by mixing up his pills and wanting to go to the zoo when it’s closed so of course they break into the zoo and get beat up by all sorts of animals. SO FUNNY.
Ninja Assassin
This trailer gets 4 out of 10 stars
Korean mega popstar Rain plays an orphan who is raised to be an assassin, and there are a bunch of Asians, hence the “ninja” in the title. Then, as always, his people turn on him and he is all alone in this world and must fight and go around killing people because he will never be safe. Guys will love this movie for all the slicing ninja throwing stars and knives attached to chains and flying blades and blood and stuff. I sure hope Rain found a good English tutor since the last time I heard him do an interview, “Yes, I eat chicken breast and train every day in my house naked.”
Bad Lieutenant
This trailer gets 12 out of 100 stars
Nicholas Cage plays a cop, BIG SURPRISE. And he is a good cop, until he gets back pain and then totally needs cocaine to help with his back pain, and this causes him to turn into a bad person and steal money and drugs and kill hookers. I think. Then he starts hanging out with gangstas because they’re probably a lot more fun than cops. Also he starts going crazy because DON’T DO DRUGS KIDS.
The Blind Side
This trailer is GO TEAM
Sandra Bullock is trying to not be typecast as that crazy chick, so like every other actress is trying to legitimize herself by changing her hair color and doing a whole movie in a southern accent. She is the mom in a football family and her tiny son makes friends with a huge black guy and then he becomes apart of their family and lives are changed and tears are shed and FOOTBALL and did I mention everyone is crying and happy and there is football?