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Elise's Trailer Review Archives!
September 27, 2009
By Elise Yoon, Movie Trailer Expert Professional
The Vampire’s Assistant
This trailer gets 100 stars
I thought this was going to be a lame copy of Twilight because it also happens to be based on a book series about vampires and vampires are all vampire-y and popular lately, but I changed my mind when I saw its hilarious bits and not to mention John C. Reilly who is awesome.
Whip It
This trailer gets 14 leftover points from Juno
Of course everyone is going to go see this because it’s got the quirky Ellen Page, better known as Juno, and a sort-of-indie soundtrack. It also has girls fighting with other girls and I assume guys like to see that kind of thing. But in the end the real important part of the movie will be that it has a really deep message about being happy with who you are and finding a group of friends that you can fit in with and just “be yourself” or whatever. I’m sure it will be a real heartwarming indie flick. But I’m not hating I love Kristen Wiig and Drew Barrymore.
The Box
This trailer gets 4 of 5 stars for confusing the crap out of me
First I was all confused because Cameron Diaz was speaking in a horrible southern accent (how is she still acting btw?) and she is like “oh no we don’t have any money!” And then this trailer went all dark and creepy when some shady guy drops off a box with a big button like the ones from the Staples commercials and tells them that they can push the button and get money but someone in the world will die and they are all MORAL DILEMMA OMG but then all of a sudden the shady guy and his cronies are after Cameron Diaz and that other guy that isn’t as famous. I am totally confused.
September 4, 2009
By Elise Yoon, Board Certified Movie Trailer Critic Educated At Oxford Movie Trailer Criticism School For Elite Movie Trailer Critics
Sorority Row
This trailer gets two stars
So apparently someone decided to kill a bunch of sorority sisters. Big freaking deal who doesn’t want to kill a bunch of sorority sisters? That’s the real question. So any way they are all scared and basically this movie is going to be a bunch of hot chicks getting killed, probably running around all scared with their boobs jiggling and stuff. So if you’re into that maybe you should watch it.
Fame
This trailer is rated 2 out of 20 stars
I was going to rate it worse but the little sister of the girl who was in the Disney Channel Original Movie Stuck in the Suburbs is in it. Clearly this is just another one of those lame stories with a bunch of artsy fartsy kids who think they’re so freaking talented and with the glamorous backdrop of New York City every high school dramafag in America is going to think they have a chance too, if you just hold onto your freaking dream. Well here is some news for you: you’re not as talented and unique as you think. A bunch of middle schoolers and old people with bad taste are going to go see this movie.
The Boys Are Back
This one gets a rating of 3 for being tricky
Basically, I’ll watch anything with Clive Owen in it because he’s so super handsome and manly and he’s got that great charming British accent. However, when he was in Duplicity opposite Julia Roberts he was crossing into the genre of film I like to call “hey, I got kids to feed” also known as “romantic comedy.” This film takes us all the way into the genre of laugh/cry/feel good movies where some guy’s wife dies so all of a sudden he is a single dad and then he brings some random kid from some other relationship in and he is now a single father of not one but two sons. Throughout the movie it’ll be hilarious how messy the house gets and how they can’t eat real food because there’s no woman took cook and clean. They’ll also struggle with their relationships and the human condition and boo hoo cry about it. But Clive Owen being all sensitive is really going to appeal to a bunch of women so they are going to see this movie.
Aladin
This trailer gets 90000 points
I’m pretty sure this is not in English and what I think I’m watching here is a crazy Bollywood version of Moulin Rouge. There’s a lamp and smoke and a mountain and fire this thing is so freaking epic. Then all of a sudden it’s about some “loser” wearing tight pants and running around singing like he’s in some freaking musical. I’m so lost. This girl seems way to good for him but she gives him a lamp and there is like a crazy genie inside. I even spotted a flying carpet. I’m just excited for the classic Bollywood dance sequences where a room of 27304328 people just get up and start doing the same awesome dance.
September 2, 2009
Movie Poster Review
By Elise Yoon
Dear fans of the trailer review:
Due to the current economic session we can no longer afford to do full length trailer reviews but will be doing poster reviews, don't worry I am that good at telling you all you need to know about the movie from seeing the poster.
Peter and Vandy
This poster gets 1 out of 10 stars
The quirky font indicates this movie is slightly indie and quirky, not to mention the name Vandy is freaking weird so this girl is probably weird. Everyone knows that person whose a-hole parents named them something completely weird and stupid just so they’d be unique but they ended up being annoying because they try to hard to live up to that stupid unique name. Peter has long-ish hair and a semi-mustache so he is probably some sort of musician and this couple is probably so indie it will be annoying throughout the movie. It’s basically an indie romantic comedy.
New Moon
This poster gets 15 out of 19 marketing points
Those vampire teenagers are back to drain every last moneymaking opportunity from all girls aged 12 to 25 by throwing a picture of “R-Pats’” paley vampire face on it. Basically this movie will be even more horrible than the first Twilight and by that I mean it will be just a longer version where they are almost always about to have sex but don’t because the series was written by a Mormon lady or something.
The Road
This poster kind of sucks
I’m guessing Al Gore is back for round two of hey-guys-check-out-my-sweet-fly-in-effects-on-powerpoint.
April 15, 2009
By Elise Yoon, Board Certified Movie Trailer Critic Educated At Oxford Movie Trailer Criticism School For Elite Movie Trailer Critics
17 Again
17 out of 17 points!
Hottie Zac Efron is back for a great comedy that in the end will probably have some sort of touching message about how you need to live your life and stuff. Apparently he’s like almost 40 and his life sucks and some custodian is all, “don’t you wish you could be young again?” and he’s like, “yeah man” and then he sees the crazy old man about to jump off a bridge in the rain and he goes to save him but falls into a vortex and ends up being 17. Totally don’t know how his kids don’t notice their dad is like missing/spying on them at school. Also I think the daughter is Michelle Trachtenberg is playing a high schooler (still?!!?) she’s got to be like 30 by now but whatevs. This movie looks awesome.
Crank 2: High Voltage
This trailer gets 2000 man points for car chases, fist fights, guns, and girls in bikinis
I wasn’t even aware there was a Crank 1 any way, that guy with the scruffy Batman voice from the Transporter is in some sort of action movie (big freaking surprise) and he like falls off a building and someone scoops him up with a shovel LOL and puts him in a van and takes his heart probably to sell it on the blackmarket ebay. So they give him this fake heart which I’m assuming gives him random powers or at least bends the rules of reality so they can go around charging himself and doing other ridiculous stunts that I don’t care to see. Lame.
State of Play
This trailer gets 4 stars out of 10 for being lamely formulaic and totes predictable.
Russell Crowe has funny hair and there’s Rachel McAdams remember her from The Notebook and Mean Girls? Well now she’s a hard-hitting reporter with Russell CREEP and his new haircut and they are like investigating the murder of some aid to Ben Affleck who is not a politician? OK, and it’s really exciting and OMG they too might get killed but everyone knows this is totally unrealistic because real journalists are too busy getting laid off. Also, the ending it totally going to be one of those things where it was totally Ben Affleck all along. There, I just saved you like seven dollars or something.
March 26, 2009
By Elise Yoon, Board Certified Movie Trailer Critic Educated At Oxford Movie Trailer Criticism School For Elite Movie Trailer Critics
Babysitter Wanted
This trailer gets 0 out of 270 stars because I didn’t watch it
I am getting so good at trailer reviews that sometimes I don’t even have to watch the trailer but just see the poster and know how good the movie is going to be. This “babysitter” movie is going to be lame, let me tell you. This couple needs a new babysitter because the creepy dad molested the last three and all the teenage girls in the neighborhood refuse to watch the kids not to mention the kids are total BRATZ. LOL see what I did there?
Where the Wild Things Are
This trailer gets 17 indie scene points for having the Arcade Fire song
I totally don’t remember this book, but this movie looks absolutely terrifying. Some kid is being carried through the woods by some gigantic hairy thing with horns and he doesn’t freak out? So unrealistic. Then I think they try to throw in some stupid cheesy crap about HOPE (such a fad since Barack Obama became president and all) and some stupid story about this kid and his parents. I guess. I am so confused I don’t get if this kid is actually with these monsters but they are so scary. I think they are trying to pass this off as a really deep movie about humanity and love and all those great things but really they should have just made it an action-horror film with monsters.
March 19, 2009
By Elise Yoon, Board Certified Movie Trailer Critic Educated At Oxford Movie Trailer Criticism School For Elite Movie Trailer Critics
Sunshine Cleaning
This trailer get 78 out of 5000 stars!
So this totally starts off as a hilarious fun comedy about broke chicks who start a business cleaning up after dead peeps because no one wants to do that because it’s ICKY and they think they can make a lot of money. It’s got that guaranteed indie quirkiness (from the people who brought you Little Miss Sunshine and the heroin-injecting grandfather from that movie) because it’s making dead people funny. Ha. Ha. They even used a Decemberists song to appeal to the indie crowd, even though that song is like, so old. It’s all fun and games until the trailer turns all totally lame when Amy Adams has to go all sad chick who calls her ex-boyfriend and then she has to like cry and ruin all the fun. Then it goes back to being happy because she realizes she doesn’t need some stupid guy to make her feel better but she’s all self-affirmed and awesome, girl power! Sappy.
The Watchmen
This trailer gets a conditional 80% awesome (the condition being if you could score shrooms to do before the movie starts)
So some guy is trapped in a freezer or something then his hair starts growing all fast then he turns into a giant ink blot and explodes. I think this is going to be a lot like X-Men. I also think the movie would only be like half an hour if they didn’t do so much slow-motion crap to show you how cool glass breaking or fire exploding or boobs jiggling looks in slow-motion. There’s some blue guy who might be like the main character. I think this movie would be totally cool to see on drugs. This movie is totally capitalizing on the current trend of science fiction because the real world sucks so much right now no one wants to watch movies that take place in the real world in which a bunch of old white guys steal all your money and then get bonuses from your tax money.
The Velveteen Rabbit
This trailer sucks.
So this is apparently set in a time when there were only white people and all males had to wear bowler hats and be creepily pale. Half of this is like live-action while the rest is cartoon. LAME. How freaking lazy is that? I’m pretty sure I read this book when I was a kid and I’m pretty sure this dumb kid dies from the scarlet fever but they probably didn’t include that in the movie because this movie is a big steaming pile of crap so if I had nothing better to do with my life I would go around to all the theatres showing this and tell all the kids that the dumb kid actually dies in the end and actually stuffed animals don’t magically turn into cartoons if you cry on them.
February 5, 2009
By Elise Yoon, Board Certified Movie Trailer Critic Educated At Oxford Movie Trailer Criticism School For Elite Movie Trailer Critics
G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra
37 out of 1400 thumbs up!
Ugh you know what I am SO SICK of Al Gore and his “global warming” talk and all that propaganda all saying the world is going to end if we don’t stop driving our Hummers and throwing plastic beverage can holder-together rings into rivers or dumping plastic containers into the ocean for fun. This whole “action movie” thing is just a front for Gore and his posse to convince us once again that the world is going to end.
Race To Witch Mountain
10 out of 900 stars
OMG get excited The Rock is back for an awesome adventure-packed movie about a couple of kids that are not actually kids but aliens and this unlikely trio is totally going to save the world!! I hope The Rock is going to throw in some HILARIOUS stuff like jokes about how he is too good to be hanging out with a couple of kids but then they do something CRAZY and show how awesome they are and it’ll be SO FUNNY and all the moms and their kids will be just cracking up in the theatres.
Friday the 13th
Actually I didn’t watch this trailer because I would like my pants to remain poop-free.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
56 out of 90 hubcaps, whoo hoo American auto industry, Deeeee-troit (basketball)
Louis Stevens is back to play this nerd that is all in love with some really hot chick that is why out of his league but still makes out with him any way because he is “so sweet” unlike her abusive badass boyfriend who had like big muscles and stuff. This totally blew my mind because I had never before seen a movie in which the dorky guy gets the hot girl who is too good for him just because he is nice; it’s totally revolutionary so I think that the Academy should go back in time and give Transformers every single Oscar ever handed out, including the fake “lifetime achievement” ones.
Taken
7 out of 4 stars because I am hungry
Liam Neeson is all “I am so going to kill you a-hole” because someone kidnapped his daughters. They are in Paris so I am assuming it was le hamburglar he wanted to kidnap the girls for ransom to buy some more of les burgers and du vin and fromage oui! The climax of the film culminates in a fuge crazy car chase leading up to the top of the Eiffel Tower and le hamburglar holding some girl upside-down threatening to drop her and he happens to be wearing a beret, a black and white striped shirt (horizontal stripes), smoking a cigarette, and there is some dude playing accordion nearby.
January 28, 2009
By Expert Movie Critic Elise Yoon
Revolutionary Road
I am going to see this movie 18 times in theaters
Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are back together for the long anticipated sequel to Titanic. We realize that Leo never really died after the whole turning blue and sinking into the ocean (dead bodies float) and once again finds Kate. They fall in love again and all is great until he totally gets her pregs and they decide to buy a house. Of course getting preggers ruins everything (duh already knew that) and Kate gets all, “UGH H8 LYFE” because they are so stuck in the suburbs with kids and a house and mortgage and life sucks basically. They come to realize OMG WTF are we doing hurr we’re too good to have a normal domestic life I mean look at us we’re beautiful.
New In Town
This trailer gets 25 out of 100 stars for being predictable
Renée Zellweger is all, I want to be a successful business woman so she gets transferred to freaking North Dakota and when she gets there is all, OMG how will I ever live in this craphole? But big surprise she ends up falling in love with this guy who is like down home but a little bit quirky so is therefore irresistible in a Matthew McCaughnahey (however the f you spell his name) kind of way. And even bigger surprise she probably wants to end up staying in the craphole.
Angels & Demons
This trailer gets 7600 stars for thrilling me!
So that Dan Brown guy, author of the crazy mind-blowing exposé on the evil Catholic church aka The Da Vinci Code is back with another one, probably about how evil and totally ghey the Catholic church is.
Coraline
This trailer gets 56 out of 62 stars!
Man this movie is just a straight up rip off of Being John Malkovich except done in like clay-mation with some girl, who, instead of turning into John Malkovich turns into like another version of herself. And it looks really fooking scary except it’s only rated PG.
January 22, 2009
By Expert Movie Critic Elise Yoon
Push
70 out of 0 stars. I mean 0 out of 70 stars.
Well it looks like Dakota Fanning finally gave up on her dreams of glory and realized what a crappy actress she is after she never got an award for being raped in a movie at like age 12. This movie looks pretty awesome and by awesome I mean it’s a total rip off “The Secret Life of Alex Mac” which might have been the greatest show ever. These kids have super powers like moving stuff with the mind or screaming really loud and the big evil government is after them. Dakota Fanning can see the future and she is trying very hard to look like she has street cred. She’s all got this knotty hair with random strands of pink and purple and whatever that she bought at Hot Topic.
Fast & Furious
100% man, because bros before hos.
Oscar favorites Paul Walker and Vin Diesel are back for another action-packed film that doesn’t make any sense. I think Paul and Vin used to be friends but Paul is a cop so he sucks but still wants to be friends with Vin but maybe they will resolve their problems through a street race.
He’s Just Not That Into You
20 out of 83082 stars (because I will always love Scarlett Johansson)
For some reason Drew Barrymore and Scarlett Johansson decided to do this film. I mean, it’s clear why Jennifer Aniston would do it: because she’s desperate (that has been clear since the whole Vince Vaughn thing). Also randoms Ben Affleck and Jennifer Connelly wanted in. This movie is trying to pass itself off like it’s not just another romantic comedy but it totally is. Lame.
Fired Up
17 out of 20 pompons! (can you believe that’s actually how you spell that?)
This is so going to be Bring It On of the new generation, the one with babysluts and babies with cell phones and Bratz aka babysluts. These two high school football guys are like, total hotties, and think up some wild scheme in which they will go to cheer camp so they can be surrounded by hundreds of totally hot chicks. Except OH NO their plans are beginning to fall apart because one of the dudes is in love with the head cheerleader.
Earth
80% because “going green” is so cool right now (and there will inevitably be a backlash like how I eat lots of meat and eggs from chickens that were kept in tiny cages then killed to make delicious McNuggets just to spite stupid vegans; once the price of gas goes down again I am totally going to leave my car idling in parking lots and stuff)
James Earl Jones or some other black guy with a Godlike voice is back to play God and narrate this suspense-horror-murder-mystery film in which a whale family, an elephant family, and a polar bear family struggle to survive while the evil greenhouse gases are totally after them. Sigur Ros is on the soundtrack and a penguin slides across the ice on his belly so yeah I am totally going to throw down some money to see this one. Disney’s tricky trick of showing cute polar bears playing in the snow totally got me.
The Proposal
12% out of 40 stars
Sandra Bullock is back and she’s got to be like 60 by now but whatever she’s playing this scary boss of Ryan Reynolds from the hit Just Friends and she is forcing him to marry her because she’s Canadian and going to get deported because she’s like an illegal immigrant or something. There’s going to be tons of funny moments because Ryan Reynolds’ family is from Alaska and automatically weird and then BIG SURPRISE they actually end up falling in love because they have to spend time together and stuff. YEAH THERE I just saved you six dollars you’re welcome.