Features
Max tells it like it is. Local Police Dept may or may not agree.
In Butterfield Hall a 20-year-old male student is missing his cache of candy which was reportedly hidden under the heating vent in his room. Seemingly a perfect hiding spot from the wandering eyes of his muffin-topped roommate, the student slowly built up a stash of candy valued at over $3.78. When asked to speculate why someone would want to steal a Mars Bar, Almond Joy, and Whatchamacallit, the student replied, “because Whatchamacallit is such a silly name and people like putting silly things in their mouth.”
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While changing in the locker room of IM East, a 22 year old female student claims the left shoe of her sport trainers and the left boot of her Uggs went missing. Upon making the discovery, the student searched the premises for the suspected one-legged perpetuator, however, because she was only wearing one shoe, she was unable to quickly meander between the lockers and find the thief. MSU Police believe a person with one leg or clubfoot made out of wood to resemble a foot is responsible.
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A female student affiliated with a sorority is pressing charging against anonymous users of the popular website, JuicyCampus.com. The sorostitue claims to have been slandered by users who called her, “dumber than a squirrel that got run over by a car but lived, and now walks around with a messed up tail and one and a half legs” and a, “bigger bitch than that black lady on the Apprentice who later went on to get boob surgery and now goes by the name Gnarly Nipple Monger.” One particularly heinous comment flamed the student for, “giving hot carls to her grandmother while she lied in a comatose.” The comment turned out to be completely false when the victim’s grandmother, savvy with the internet and hot carls, replied to the following comment by stating, “I am the grandmother of said sorostitute and I have never been in a coma nor received a hot carl from anyone other than my slave boy back in the 20’s.”