Features
By Jacob Kanclerz
Horoscopes for November 2, 2009
Pisces (Feb. 29-March 20)
Guys: I would advise saying you have a girlfriend, people are starting to get suspicious.
Gals: Wear those leggings. It’s way cool.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Guys: Your procrastination will lead to an adderall-fueled all-nighter, maybe two because you won’t be able to fall asleep for 36 hours.
Gals: Get that tattoo. I would go for the tribal armbands or random Chinese lettering.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Guys: Flannel is totally your style. Complement those with overalls, and you are good to go.
Gals: Your roommate is plotting to kill you. Evacuate your room immediately; she’s right behind you with a plastic bag.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Guys: A car will drive through a puddle and splash you at least three different times this week.
Gals: Nothing interesting will happen to you…at least that’s what you think.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Guys: Do your laundry already; you’ve worn those boxers since last week.
Gals: Some bitch girl will give you a dirty look for absolutely no reason. Retaliate at will.
Leo (June 23-August 22)
Guys: You’re going to lose that bet on the game, so you probably should stockpile your food for awhile.
Gals: Try that new move in bed. Your boyfriend may actually start enjoying things now.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Guys: It’s time to clean that bathroom. Better have your suitemates get on that already.
Gals: That creepy guy in the corner of your class has been staring at you since the semester began.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Guys: Something crazy might happen at 5:21 pm tomorrow. Be alert.
Gals: It’s about time you shave. People are starting to notice.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Guys: People around you are planning an intervention, so avoid any event you are invited to that’s too good to be true.
Gals: You mistook that sorority you’re rushing for a local cult.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Guys: There’s some great deals down at your local Quality Dairy!
Gals: Don’t go outside. Armageddon is near.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Guys: There’s something rotting in your fridge, I suggest you investigate that.
Gals: Farmville is taking over your life. You probably should go check it.
Aquarius (January 20-Feburary 18)
Guys: That idea you thought of when you were baked isn’t actually a good idea.
Gals: You will probably end up running after a bus sometime this week, as everyone laughs at you.
Insight and Wisdom from Jenn
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
His: A cake for some unimportant occasion will present itself within the next month.
Hers: Each year you get closer and closer to forty.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
His: Quoting Anchorman will get you anywhere in life.
Hers: Sorry, the city of East Lansing is about to pass a law against being fat.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
His: Seek wisdom in unlikely places this week. Start with under your bed, then move to
the couch cushions.
Hers: Aunt Flo’s planning to visit a bit early and will drop in and demand attention at the first
opportunity.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
His: Continue on this path and there may be a career as an Axe Bod-Man Fragrance Spray
Bod-Man waiting for you.
Hers: A new allergy will present itself in a very uncomfortable and/or awkward situation this
week.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
His: Attempting to have an actual conversation with your girlfriend this week will fail miserably.
Just keep avoiding it.
Hers: A week may pass without incident, but don’t be fooled. What you’re waiting for is going
to surprise you when you least expect it.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
His: Being a bro is even more frowned upon than it was last week. But the heavens are pleased
you’re at least getting some action.
Hers: Humor him and stop whining… just go to the stupid game Friday night.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
His: Doing a flawless Michael J. Fox impression is the best way to attract ladies.
Hers: A fortune cookie will find its way to you this month. It contains your horoscope for this
week. You should probably try and find it before this week's over...
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
His: Have a plunger and waterproof shoes ready for this week’s events. By ready I mean with
you 24/7.
Hers: Ok, obviously a “curling iron burn” is the lamest excuse ever. Accidentally burn yourself with a curling iron in the same spot… then see who tries to tell you you’re lying.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
His: Eat a bagel, like a boss.
Hers: You aren’t immune to STDs. Take it easy.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
His: Joining an intramural sports team will make you appear more manly than you actually are.
Hers: There’s nothing wrong with a career as a construction worker.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
His: You’re birthday’s really far away. That sucks. Plus it’s really close to Christmas..haha. That
really sucks.
Hers: I’m sorry, we only carry sizes 1, 3, and 5… you could try Sears.
Aquarius (January 20 - Feburary 18)
His: 40s and cheeseburgers should probably replace your friends this weekend.
Hers: Penciling your eyebrows in red will never be a good idea.