Horoscopes
By Jacob Kanclerz
Pisces (Feb. 29-March 20)
Guys: I would advise saying you have a girlfriend, people are starting to get suspicious.
Gals: Wear those leggings. It’s way cool.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Guys: Your procrastination will lead to an adderall-fueled all-nighter, maybe two because you won’t be able to fall asleep for 36 hours.
Gals: Get that tattoo. I would go for the tribal armbands or random Chinese lettering.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Guys: Flannel is totally your style. Complement those with overalls, and you are good to go.
Gals: Your roommate is plotting to kill you. Evacuate your room immediately; she’s right behind you with a plastic bag.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Guys: A car will drive through a puddle and splash you at least three different times this week.
Gals: Nothing interesting will happen to you…at least that’s what you think.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Guys: Do your laundry already; you’ve worn those boxers since last week.
Gals: Some bitch girl will give you a dirty look for absolutely no reason. Retaliate at will.
Leo (June 23-August 22)
Guys: You’re going to lose that bet on the game, so you probably should stockpile your food for awhile.
Gals: Try that new move in bed. Your boyfriend may actually start enjoying things now.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Guys: It’s time to clean that bathroom. Better have your suitemates get on that already.
Gals: That creepy guy in the corner of your class has been staring at you since the semester began.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Guys: Something crazy might happen at 5:21 pm tomorrow. Be alert.
Gals: It’s about time you shave. People are starting to notice.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Guys: People around you are planning an intervention, so avoid any event you are invited to that’s too good to be true.
Gals: You mistook that sorority you’re rushing for a local cult.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Guys: There’s some great deals down at your local Quality Dairy!
Gals: Don’t go outside. Armageddon is near.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Guys: There’s something rotting in your fridge, I suggest you investigate that.
Gals: Farmville is taking over your life. You probably should go check it.
Aquarius (January 20-Feburary 18)
Guys: That idea you thought of when you were baked isn’t actually a good idea.
Gals: You will probably end up running after a bus sometime this week, as everyone laughs at you.