World
“Earth Hour” Refugees Forced into Hiding to Enjoy Electricity
Obsession with eco friendly shakes up world.
By Philip Rodney Moon
WORLDWIDE- Earth Hour, an international event where people turn off their lights in order to raise awareness of climate change, swept across the globe as people turned off lights and electricity in order to make a statement to world leaders. The event promoted conservation, as well as leading to several zealots to harass normal people who wanted to walk around their house without running into shit.
“Turn off your lights! Turn off your lights!” Yell John Birdy, a Holden hall resident mentor, going room to room and annoying the hell out of the residents.
Aided by campus environmental groups, who stormed on campus and off campus housing, the Earth House Gestapo ran amuck, threatening electricity users with undetermined violence.
“Turn off your lights or you’re raping Mother Earth!” yelled Kelly Dubois at a frat house where brothers inside were playing beer pong.
“Mother Earth is a MILF!,” yelled back one drunken brother, putting a lave lamp on his crotch and stroking it.
Across the campus several non-participants fled the persecution and met together in hiding. In attics with blacked out windows, underground tunnels, and in other safe confines they huddled together under the glow of electric light.
“Look here, I’m for helping the Earth, but I got a physics test Monday I have to study for,” said Eric Prynn, engineering sophomore, “I’ve got a swirly bulb here and I’m using my computer at ‘power saver’ mode. Isn’t that enough?”
Sam Jericho, a political science junior, was rushed into the room by compassionate supporters protecting him from the raging environmentalist mobs.
“Thank God I can be in peace,” said Jericho, “I turned off my lights, but that wasn’t enough. They heard my kidney dialysis machine running and demanded I turn it off. Dozens of them dragged my machine off. If it wasn’t for these courageous guys, I might be dead now.”
His rescuers denied they were heroes, saying they were only doing what they thought was right.
“Look, thirty minutes from now those envrionuts will have to recharge their computers, cell phones, and iPods and they’ll undo most of the electrical savings, not to mention the pollution from burning millions of candles. I get the sentiment, but can’t a sick guy get some dialysis?” one of rescuers said, who requested anonymity.
Experts say this event is comparable in its violence and absolutism as Hands across America was in 1986.