Campus
MSU Masturbating at All Time High
Whip It Out, Big Guy. Whip It Out.
By Ramiro E. Galvan
EAST LANSING- It is no doubt that MIP’s are hitting our peers hard as they partake in weekend festivities such as tailgating, partying, and “pregaming”. Cops are lurking at every corner waiting to ticket you for being a minor in possession.
Not only does it affect our time to enjoy and let loose after a long week of work, but believe it or not, it is also hurting our sex lives.
“Dude, I can’t get any with all these MIP’s.” Said by a student who would like to be known as Big Rich. “Chicks aren’t as open as they are when they are drunk.”
I asked about 150 male students what they do during the weekend and 98 of them admitted to masturbation.
“Yeah, man. Chicks don’t want to do (explicit) anymore. So on Saturdays I pop a squat in front of my TV, whip my (explicit) out and go to town on that (explicit).” Creatively explained by Big Rich.
The lack of drunken women also affects our wallets, too. Instead of paying a few dollars for alcohol every weekend, students are spending money to subscribe to pornographic websites.
One student, Jacory Stash, said, “I’m subscribed to like 3 porn sites. It’s costing me like 80 bucks! You see, if I wasn’t spending money on all these websites, I could just go out get hammered and give the HAMMER, you feelin’ that news guy?”
One police officer, who would rather not be named, argued this, “It is in our best interest and the students’ best interest for them to not go out and drink if they are underage. If that means spending alone time then so be it. College is about learning how to take care of yourself, and masturbating is one way of doing so.”
Usually, chronic masturbators have a rhythm. They usually masturbate at the same time everyday.
“I have been masturbating since I’ve been here—every weekend night at 10:30. Now, instead of having alone time, my roommate is here. He decides to masturbate at the same time as I do. When I do it, though, it is discrete. This (explicit) gets his (explicit) all over my Xbox controller” says John Dunkle.