Campus
Student Finds Class Relevant, Shocked into Coma
By Ben Kuehn
EAST LANSING EDUCATION BUNKER – In a revealing example of educational negligence, biology junior Lucas Montag was shocked into an unresponsive coma after finding his sociology class applicative in a real-world context.
Dr. Alice Keller, Professor of Interdependent Human Fecal Studies, reportedly told paramedics at the scene that she had planned to “go through the motions” and “ramble incoherently,” until a misguided student asked her to explain the purpose of the class in a contemporary situation. Immediately after answering the student's question, thirty-seven other students began experiencing “seizure-like symptoms,” with some “speaking in tongues” and “attempting to tear off their ears.”
“I've never seen anything like it,” commented a shaken Amanda Raflen, who was checking her Facebook page at the time and failed to hear Dr. Keller's remarks. “Why would anybody do this? I don't go to college for this. It's terrible... Just awful.”
Artist's rendering of the event |
Following the incident, six students, having experienced severe strokes, were hospitalized. Lucas Montag was immediately put into intensive care after falling into a deep coma. Doctors are skeptical about his recovery.
Dr. Michael Bekman held a press conference during which he commented on the student's condition.
“He suffered extreme trauma to the brain, which was exacerbated by a severe amount of internal bleeding. The patient simply had no defense to such a barrage of useful information. If his professor had simply inundated his mind with blather, this could have all been avoided.”
University officials described Dr. Keller's behavior as a “heinous breach of protocol” that “...has no place in academia.” In response to public outcry, Michigan State University has begun a full investigation of the incident, aiming to “uncover and fully neutralize any learning that may have taken place.”
Meanwhile, victims have been offered counseling services to help them cope with the ordeal. Some student groups have also begun handing out pamphlets, reminding to students to “be safe in the classroom” by “falling asleep, talking loudly, and playing internet games during lectures.” Students are also encouraged to “skip class for safety.”
“We may never be the same,” said philosophy senior Brian Grant, “But at least we can accept what we experienced and put it behind us.”