The Spartan Weekly, The Truth's Worst Nightmare

Michael Caples

WASHINGTON D.C. - The most unlikely of sources has stepped up to help New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick pay for his $500,000 illegal spying fine issued by the NFL: President George W. Bush.

Bush addressed the nation Sunday, giving a press conference that was aired on ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN Classic, and MSNBC.

“Running the CIA is a whole lot like running a football team,” Bush said. “Well, I think so.”

The president was forced to elaborate, because at roughly the same moment the comment left his mouth, multiple reporters began raising their hands and blurting out question after question.

“You see, lots of planning and strategy … ha ha, I said it right this time … go into getting ready for a football game, just like going into a war,” Bush said. “Belichick’s proven that he’s the best at what he can do, and, well, cheating doesn’t really matter in war. Win at all costs, right?”

Vice President Dick Cheney declined to comment, but NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell had plenty to say on the subject.

“I’m still trying to figure out how by cheating, he’s still moving himself up the ladder in this world,” Goodell said. “What’s next, him becoming president?”

The face of the NFL said that the hiring of Belichick would set a bad example for the country, encouraging others to cheat their way into winning.

Belichick has yet to make a decision; sources have revealed that the Patriots front office have offered him a contract extension through 2013. The three-time Super Bowl winner will contemplate his next move this week.

“At this point in time, I’m just enjoying life,” Belichick said. “Whoever said cheating is wrong should look at my bling.”