The Spartan Weekly, The Truth's Worst Nightmare

Lisa Erickson and Michael Caples

NOTRE DAME, Ind.—The Notre Dame “Fighting Irish” hardly lived up to their name on Saturday when they suffered a 31-10 defeat to Penn State. By the end of the game, humiliated fans began to call them the “Roll-over-and-die Irish,” seeing as it is a more accurate description of the team. The only fighting that did occur this weekend was that between former Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn and Cedric Dempsey, the NCAA executive director.

“Quinn came to me Saturday night demanding to be let back onto the Notre Dame football roster,” Dempsey said. “Frankly, I’m embarrassed by Notre Dame’s record thus far, too, but Quinn’s reasoning of ‘because they just suck now’ isn’t good enough for me to break the rules.”

Reports have revealed that Quinn had an entire 150 page spiral notebook filled with things he would do if he was granted permission to rejoin his alma mater. The crayon-colored pages included college classes, community service work, and modeling shoots to benefit ‘charities and Notre Dame.’

“I even offered to take classes,” Quinn said. “They didn’t make me take them the first time around, so I thought this would let them know how serious I am about coming back.”

Witnesses claim that after being rejected, Quinn threw multiple temper tantrums in an effort to get Dempsey to reconsider.

“The team needs me. They really do suck now. Besides, pro-football is way harder and I don’t think the Browns like me,” Quinn said.

According to school officials, Quinn already tried to sign up for classes, despite no longer being a student. If readmitted, Quinn’s class schedule would have included ballroom dancing, bowling, and basket weaving. This did not, however, make an impression on Rev. John Jenkins, president of Notre Dame University.

“Although we’re impressed with Quinn’s willingness to actually take classes instead of free-loading off us like he did the past 4 years,” Jenkins said, “the NCAA ruling is final. He cannot come back to Notre Dame as a football player.”