The Spartan Weekly, The Truth's Worst Nightmare

Kelsey Turek

ILLINOIS – Highland Park is the newest crime scene for the latest animal fighting. His Airness himself, Michael Jordan, was caught pitting lambs against one another in his backyard.

Police were first alerted when neighbors noticed Jordan walking around in more and more lamb’s wool.

“I had never seen Michael wearing lamb’s wool before, so I figured it was a gift or something,” an anonymous neighbor said. “But then he kept wearing different pieces and even different colors, so I became suspicious.”

The police arrived at Jordan’s place on Saturday September 1 to find that Jordan’s backyard had become an area of havoc.

“There were lambs all over the backyard just walking around,” officer Lex Acon said. “Some were dead though. Some were draped over the playground set without their wool, they were just dangling shaved. And then there were some roasting on pig roasters, just rotating and cooking.”

After intense questioning (one officer had to use a taser to settle Jordan down), Jordan admitted to fighting lambs and then shaving the dead for clothing and food. Jordan released a statement explaining his actions:

“I realize what I done was wrong and I’m sorry. There ain’t no words to describe my regret for partaking in this cruel sport. I was lonely and angry with my life and hungry and I can’t play basketball no more and I was just in a dark place. The dark soul catcher took me hostage, but I’m me again. So don’t none of you worry ‘bout me out there because you know I’m the Air Man and will come through on the other side.”

Jordan reportedly fought fellow friends and ex-NBA stars Charles Barkley and Scottie Pippen, who have yet to be investigated.