The Spartan Weekly, The Truth's Worst Nightmare

By Philip Rodney Moon

I used to be a skeptic about cloning. With the ethical concerns about toying in God’s domain, reducing genetic diversity and potential health effects I was part of the school of thought that opposed cloned meats. I’ll admit, the FDA’s recent approval of cloned meat for human consumption concerned me.

But then the other day I had this really good steak. I’m talking mouth-watering, medium-rare, 16 ounces of pure deliciousness. I didn’t want to stop eating it. I complemented the chef that prepared it, but he admitted that even his four years at the best chef school in Europe couldn’t take away the real reason the steak was so delicious. The steak, and the cow it came from, was simply best bred meat ever in the history of butchery.

That got me thinking. Why shouldn’t everyone be able to get some steak like this? Collecting the offspring of this particular steer could be accomplished, but how do we know that the cow’s mate wouldn’t have genes that would ruin the tenderness and awesome taste? The only way to guarantee a meal as good as that is to clone the cow.

Luckily, I saved a piece of steak and placed it in the freezer. The genetic code of that cow has got to be worth millions. If cloning technology becomes cheap enough, everyone could go down to their butcher or grocer and get a taste of this cloned meat.

In fact, I think I’ll patent this cow’s genetic code. I could make millions in a steakhouse franchise selling this cow and his steaks. If his other parts are as tasty, I could make even more with English roasts, rump roasts, hamburger, and sirloin. I’ll even take the leftovers and make a brand of super-hotdogs.

It’s time to put aside our irrational fears of cloned meats. As soon as I get this steak cloned, I’ll call the leaders Europe, the U.S., and the UN together for a barbeque made out of this cloned cow. No one, from the cattle raising Texan to the most devout Hindu will be able to resist a taste.