The Spartan Weekly, The Truth's Worst Nightmare

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
His: SARS – know it, prevent it, protect yourself.
Hers: Tattoo idea: the symbol for “soy.”

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
His: While your new skirt leaves little to the imagination, many will still try to picture it on a woman instead.
Hers: Telling strange men in lab coats where “it hurts” is not always the smartest thing to do, but it may get you a free doctor’s appointment.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
His: Desperate for alcohol money? Selling semen is always an option.
Hers: When you play Apples to Apples, the green cards you win will really tell you about your personality. They may be harsh though, you heartless, manly, puffy, irritating, weird woman!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
His: You will find the answer to that lingering question in a Sufjan Stevens song.
Hers: You will have a dream about 7th Heaven and James Marsden and a dancing clown with a syringe full of drugs.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
His: Lucky numbers: 13, 99, 3.15, 1763. Your sign in the Dragon too.
Hers: Drink a whole gallon of water today. You will see smashing results by tomorrow. What kind of results? Oh, you’ll find out.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
His: Saying “Go go gadget watch!” won’t do anything for you today. Change the “watch” to “hairspray” and you may see some results.
Hers: Pretending to be drunk while calling people is your best bet tonight. Get ready to play dumb!

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
His: You will no longer be a virgin today – a sushi virgin that is. Congrats!
Hers: Jack’s Mannequin saw you at the concert and thought you were hot. Be prepared for some MySpace interaction.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
His: Doing an hour of cardio not only makes you look like a girl, but you won’t be able to move for days. Stick to the weights and a simple jog. You can’t handle the cardio like women can.
Hers: Giving up sweets for Lent will help you lose 3 pounds but you’ll also get addicted to cigarettes, caffeine, pop tarts, whipped cream, and sappy love-story movies. These may not be beneficial trade-offs.

Libra (September 23 - October 23)
His: You will see seven swans attacking each other today and a small gang of humans will be gathered around them taking bets.
Hers: Today is a good day to ask yourself, “What on earth am I here for?”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
His: You have a 1/10 chance of winning a Wii on that FoodFriendzy game on Facebook today! WHOO!
Hers: You will not receive mail at all this week but your roommate will every day, making you very angry and lonesome.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
His: YouTube is amazing, yet deadly at the same time. Avoid watching it for more than two hours straight. This will be difficult, but if you need to just turn on some porn and you should be distracted from the computer.
Hers: You will have the urge to learn to play the ukulele today. But you’ll have to settle for the sea piccolo instead.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
His: For some reason you will have an extreme attraction to a horse today.
Hers: You will be witness to a magic trick gone wrong.