Michael Caples
EAST LANSING – George Mitchell, the former senator responsible for baseball’s crackdown on steroids, is now turning his attention to the world of college football. His first target? Michigan State University’s beloved mascot - Sparty.
“You can’t deny the facts,” Mitchell said in a statement released last Friday. “Look at the abnormalities in the head, chest and arms of the [MSU mascot]. There’s just no way any normal human being could get so big. I don’t care if he’s a Spartan, there’s something going on behind the scenes.”
Mitchell points to Sparty’s drastic change in appearance during the 1989 football season.
“Mr. Sparty displayed enormous growth changes in 1989, mainly in muscle growth of the arms and chest. He endured a transformation from a lean, bronzed looking man to a massive, ‘gruff,’ bodybuilder type in less than a year, right around the same time that steroids hit the market.”
Sparty has been the mascot for Michigan State since 1925, during which time his sports teams have experienced great success. He is known for his awe-inspiring displays of courage and strength at many MSU sporting events.
“I’ve been told by my sources that he does many one-handed push-ups at the center of the football field before games,” Mitchell said. “This could be a sign of a steroid user.”
Sparty will be subject to random drug testing for the next few weeks, and Mitchell will personally conduct a search of the MSU campus, where Sparty lives.
Sparty declined to comment, but his agent, Zeke the Wonder Dog, read a statement on behalf of his client on Saturday.
“At this time, Mr. Sparty would like to formally announce that he is, and always has been, steroid free, for he is a Spartan, and Spartans don’t need drugs to be awesome. My client will comply with Mr. Mitchell’s requests, and he makes his home and training facilities open to any investigation. He has nothing to hide.”
If convicted, Sparty would be stripped of his title of “World’s Best Mascot,” and be forced to step down as mascot of the Spartans.
Authorities at MSU, including President Lou Anna K. Simon, football coach Mark Dantonio, and basketball coach Tom Izzo, have declared that they will support Sparty until the end.
“I’ve worked out with him, I’ve trained with him, and I can assure you that he is as clean as a whistle,” Izzo said. “He’s too strong, and too smart to ever use that crap.”
“We will offer Sparty any help he needs, monetary or emotionally,”
Simon said. “He is our mascot, and we all love him with all our heart.”
